This is it...I'll be on my way by morning...

So, this is it! My last morning at home! I have to work tonight, and then off to the airport. I really can't believe that this is really happening. I think I've said it before, but it all seem so surreal, and not entirely real. Have I mentioned though, that I don't like to fly? Probably a bad time to think about that, right? For some reason it dawned on me in the car last night that I'd be in a plane for hours and hours, and not only that, but that plane would be over the Atlantic Ocean. Just me an my trusty seat cushion/floatation device...right...just who does the airline industry think they're fooling with that one? Lead Momma reminded me that I would have to fly daily for 100 years before an accident would happen. (Dr Spaz loves reading about plane crashes and provides that piece of info anytime either of us worry about flying.) By this time on Friday I'll be in London. I'll be able to see and do all the things I've been dreaming about for months. And I'll get to prove to myself that I can do things alone. I know my friends think that I'm crazy for thinking that I'm not independent. I live alone, I make all my own decisions, and do my own thing; but this will truly prove it to me. Really the other stuff is just life. I had no other choice but to live alone etc...
I finished Lead Momma's Christmas cards this past weekend. I'm so happy with the way they came out, and I just hope she is too, I have to mail off that box later this morning when the post office opens. My poor cat seems truly stressed out about my leaving. She has seen the suitcase, and has become more clingy than normal. Hopefully she'll be okay, Preschool Queen and Captain Contrary are going to look in on her each day, and pick up the mail. It's so great to have friends living so nearby.
So in closing, I'm not sure how often I'll post while in London. I think I may take a true vacation from things, and avoid computers...or maybe not. We'll see!

Shopping rocks!

So, yesterday Preschool Queen and I went consignment store shopping. We had such a great time. I couldn't believe the incredible deals I found. Clothing that I would have otherwise never been able to afford, I was able to buy. I'll never pass up a good deal. Anyway, she and I had a great time. I was talking to her about TSO. I'm really tired of the mixed signals that he's been sending; and so for now, I'm done. I think if he wants anything to happen it's his turn to make the effort. Will had said as much too, and it was nice to hear the Preschool Queen felt the same way. So, I guess that's it. Hopefully he'll step up.
My Thanksgiving was wonderful. When I got home from Preschool Queen and Homer's house, my favorite movie was on TV, so of course I sat down to watch. It's Love Actually. I just love Hugh Grant. Anyway as I was watching, it came to the scene where David, the PM, realized that he wanted to be with Natalie, and he started knocking on doors to find her house. I want to find a guy like that. And then there's the guy who learns Portuguese to propose to the woman he loves. I want that. I want a man who is going to sweep me off my feet. I'd be happy with one who just makes an effort and makes me feel appreciated.
Not much else, packing for the trip begins soon!!

It's almost Thanksgiving

So, I've gotten a lot of feedback/advice on the whole situation with Will. I appreciate all the advice, but trust me, no one has said anything that I don't already think. I realize that he is married, and that because of this, he and I can never be anything more than friends. We have not been physical with each other. That is a line that I couldn't cross, more for myself than anything else. I would never be able to look myself in the mirror again. I'd lose all my self respect. That being said, he is my friend and I have feelings for him. I can't help those feelings. They are there. But I'm not acting on my desires. I have told him that his friendship is the most important thing to me, and so we continue to be friends. That will not change. I'm hopeful that the feelings will fade with time, and our friendship will remain.
I can't believe that Thanksgiving is tomorrow. This year has gone by so quickly. So much has happened this year. I don't have any idea how I'll put it all into my annual Christmas letter, but I'm sure I'll find a way. There are so many things that I am truly thankful for in my life. Now there are people who just love this holiday. And don't get me wrong, I enjoy getting together with family and friends and sharing a meal. I can appreciate the taking time to count our blessings and thanking whatever higher power you believe in for your good fortune. However, to me, it's just not that big of a deal. It's not a holiday I'm in love with. For me, that's President's Day. Okay that's me being funny...I hope everyone laughed. I actually love Christmas. It's such a magical time of year. The whole month of December feels that way for me. I think that a lot of people forget the original inspiration for Thanksgiving and just spend the day eating and watching football. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with this, but it's about giving thanks. So, without going into too much detail, here are the things I'm thankful for:

• My Family
• My Friends (Lead Momma, I'd be lost without you)
• My Job
• My cat (she's insane, but I love her)
• I have a great place to live, and can pay all my bills

This is not an all inclusive list, but just a few of the things that I'm so grateful for. I'm sure as soon as I log off I'll think of a dozen more, but those are the top few. I'm also healthy and happy and embarking on the adventure of my life! So, to those of you who celebrate Thanksgiving, have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your family and friends.

Dinner Last Night

Lead Momma had the perfect explanation for why I keep saying that Will and I would be destined for failure. What other choice do I have? I'd love to be able to say he would be the love of my life, but what's the point? He is married. All that would do is break my heart in the long run, and so for my own preservation, I have to believe that we'd never work out.
So he and I went out to dinner last night. Nothing fancy, just a local chain restaurant, a place to have beer and burgers. It was such a great time. We talked and laughed, and before we knew it, 2 1/2 hours passed and it was time for us to go to work. To say that I was unmotivated would be an understatement. At least I only have one more night this week. Will gave me a birthday present at dinner. It was totally unexpected and incredibly thoughtful. He gave me a travel journal for my upcoming London adventure (can you believe I didn't have one already?) I was so surprised. He really is such a sweet man. I could go on and on, but I think I won't.
We were talking about TSO. He doesn't have any advice other than 'wait and see'. He was talking about it at home, and his wife had the same reaction that Lead Momma did. They both said he was like the abused puppy at the pound. Lead Momma went on to say "it's the kind of dog you look at and say 'dang, that dog would take a lot of work' but once the work is done, you have a REALLY great, loyal dog". It's true, and I guess that's why I've been so patient, because as everyone who knows me will say, patience is not my virtue. I was really looking forward to talking to him when I got to work last night, but he wasn't there. I was quite disappointed, we haven't really talked at all this week, and I've missed it. Hopefully I'll see him next week.
Off to my hair appointment!

On the Eve of 29

I realize that it's been a while. The headaches while waiting for the new glasses were just too much. However, now I have the new glasses (yeah!!!). I'm still not in love with the frames, but everyone at work really likes them (including Will). Probably what I don't love is what they represent to me, but I'll get over it if they work. Walking is kind of weird, with everything being blurry on the bottom, but I'll adjust. And the big news is no headache after work last night!! How awesome is that?
As it gets closer to my birthday, I've been thinking more and more about where I thought I'd be at this point in my life. If you had asked me 10 years ago where I'd be at 29, this is the furthest thing I'd have ever said. I thought for sure I'd be married by now with at least one child, and I certainly never thought I'd be working for the federal government. I thought I'd own a house and some property. And while none of this has happened, I have realized that I have a great life, and I'm truly happy. I'm single, and don't have to answer to anyone, I have a great job, a great new apartment, and the best friends anyone could ask for. I'd be lost without Will, Lead Momma and Preschool Queen. My parents are healthy and happy and enjoying retirement. I have been blessed.
And who would have ever thought, even 8 months ago, that I'd be headed for London in 2 weeks, and then off to the Caribbean in March? My supervisor came to me two nights ago and asked me how things were going, and I had to tell him that things were really good, great even. It's frightening to think that I can't remember being this happy while I was with the ex.
Things with Will are unique right now. My favorite thing about hanging out with him is that I can completely be myself with him, and he likes that person. I feel so good about myself when we're together. How cool, huh? We're going out on Friday before we go into work, and I'm really looking forward to that. The last time we went out we talked for over 2 hours and didn't even realize that that much time had gone by.
I always say that if he were single and we dated that it wouldn't work out in the long run. I guess it bothers him that I say that. He says that he sees us as working out. He asked me why I keep saying that it wouldn't work, and I'm not sure I have an answer for that. Maybe he's right in that I can't see it working out with anyone, rather than just him, I have had rather rotten luck. And I have to say I wish more than anything that we could be together, and that it would work out for the long term. I feel more comfortable with him than I ever have with any other man. Maybe it's because we've known each other for almost 4 years. I don't know...maybe I'll meet the man of my dreams in London? Wouldn't that be wonderful?

So, here's an update moment: does everyone know this but me? I just picked up the British pounds that I ordered from the bank and each denomination is a different size. I totally didn't know that. The things you learn, right?

Too Much Coffee is NOT a good thing

Preschool Queen called yesterday afternoon, and I headed over there to hang out. Homer is off hunting for the weekend, so she was bored. We hung out and drank wine all afternoon. It was much fun until to told her about the new glasses and she laughed. I can't believe she laughed about it. When she saw my face though, she stopped quickly, realizing that I wasn't finding any of it funny. Anyway, I suppose that's how people will react, no more telling people. Although I don't think I have complete control over it. Will told me that one of the ladies told him that I had the appointment. I sincerely hope she didn't share everything about it, I would not be impressed with that.
So, I had a bunch of errands to run this am, and I needed to pick up some beads for Captain Contrary, so I dropped them off after I was finished, and Preschool Queen and I had coffee together. I think I drank way too much coffee. Sometimes too much caffeine is a bad thing. When I get this way, I feel like I have ADD. I can't focus on any one activity, and I flit from one task to another without ever truly finishing the first one. I guess it can be pretty comical to watch, but it's not overly productive. Oh well, it'll wear off eventually and I'll be able to go back and finish everything, or rather I'll crash and not finish anything. Okay, so about 15 minutes have passed since I wrote the last sentence because my brain won't focus on what to write next. This is what I'm talking about. I guess I'll have to be done for now! (See this is me trying to go with the flow....)

My Unexpected Morning

First, Blogger "invited" me to switch to the new and improved version. I think it'll be pretty okay...I guess we'll see, right? Only time will tell, I guess.
As I write this, I'm listening to a set of mix Cd's that Will burned for me. Often I forget that everyone doesn't listen to the music that I listen to, so I find it really interesting to listen to what other people are enjoying at the moment. I think it can be a great insight into that person. So much of the music on these 2 Cd's is, well, melancholy, which is just the opposite of what I've been listening to as of late. But there is still a lot of great music on here as well.
I'm not sure how things are going with TSO as of late. I feel like something has changed, and not necessarily for the better. I can't put my finger on what it is, I'm not sure if it's me or him, but there is something different. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he told me my cat is near death (WHICH SHE'S NOT, okay so she's 12, but cats live for a really long time). He's never made me angry before, but that just about did it. I don't think I'll waste a ton of time on wondering about it this weekend because quite frankly, my head hurts way too much for me to care at this point. My headaches have gotten out of control as of late. NOTHING is working on them, not Advil, Tylenol or even Excedrin, which is really frustrating. And working in front of a computer screen all night at work doesn't help (I suppose the extra time I spend on my computer at home doesn't help either). Lately I've been in tears on my way home from work because of the pain. Earlier this week I started to try to figure out what may be causing them. I realized a few days ago as I was sitting on the couch (probably 2 hours after I left work) that I didn't have a headache. Then I started noticing how I was behaving at work(ie sitting at the edge of my seat, leaning forward, and still straining to see) now I've worn glasses forever, but I thought it may be time to see the eye doctor again. So I stopped in there this am(I love having an eye doctor in the mall with hours 7 days a week) and they had just had a cancellation, so I was able to see my doctor immediately (I think God was looking out for me today). And she had what I consider to be really crappy news for me. I can't believe I'm actually admitting this here, but she told me that I need tri-focals. I was horrified when she said it, and almost burst into tears. My mouth fell open and I said 'how can that be possible, I'm only 28!!!!!' According to her, age doesn't matter, it has everything to do with the fact that I sit in front of that computer screen for hours at a time. So I had to buy new glasses, I should have them in about a week, two at the most. I just hope the headaches go away once I get them. At least they are progressive lenses, so unless I tell people it will be impossible for them to tell that I have tri-focals. I realize that it's incredibly vain to feel this way, but it's certainly something that I don't want everyone to know. (I so hope that Will doesn't laugh when he learns this...because I'm sure he'll read this before I see him. I actually thought about not writing this for that reason, and then I realized that I'd tell him anyway. This way I won't know if he laughs)
However, while I was paying for the new glasses, I started thinking about how incredibly lucky I am right now. I'm at a place in my life where an unexpected expense such as this is not the end of the world. It's not the first time I've had that thought either. I realize that I'm incredibly blessed because there are so many people who need things such as glasses who can't afford them. This is that time of the year when I start to think about all the things that I'm thankful for. The holidays always bring that out in me, and I'm sure I'll blog more about those various things during this season.
Oh, only 2 1/2 weeks until the London Adventure begins!!!

Burnt cookies make me Grumpy...

I'm so grumpy! My whole house smells like burned cookies. The damn stove won this round, or at least it won the first tray of cookies. I could just kick it. And what makes the whole situation worse it the fact that my beautiful, awesome stove is just sitting in storage. I HATE the stove here. I suppose I should be grateful that the second and third tray of cookies weren't ruined. At least I was able to salvage 2 dozen cookies for Will's birthday. Seriously, burnt cookies are probably one of my least favorite smells, there are other worse things, but I pride myself on my baking, and this just makes me grumpy. I can't figure out what makes the temp in the oven go so wonky, but as soon as there is a tray of cookies in there, it's at like 500 degrees, even though it's set at like 250. GRRR...
Okay enough griping, and onto other things. TSO and I were talking about politics yesterday at work and I was saying that there are a lot of things I've gotten more conservative about since I started work (Will smirks and calls me "his little republican"), but there are also many issues that I'm pretty liberal about. What they are is neither here nor there, but anyway, somehow the topic of how old I am came up, and I said something about turning 29 soon, and he wanted to know exactly when, so I told him; and he put it on his calendar. Now, I have no idea what that may or may not mean, but there you have it. Sometimes I feel like I'm in high school again with this whole situation, the does he like me thing etc...and I keep having to remind myself that only time will tell.

Is the Grass Greener?

Every now and again, I find myself at a loss, and begin to think that the grass may be greener elsewhere. Primarily, this usually comes in the form of wanting to move back to North Carolina. I miss being there desperately, but my job, my friends, my life is here. As of late, it has been in the form of my job. I'm not overly challenged anymore...don't get me wrong, I like what I do, but I can exceed even the new standards. And sometimes I want to go back to teaching...Lately I've thought about teaching English overseas. I've even gone so far as to look into getting certified in TESOL/TESL. And then other days I'm ready to go back to school and get my master's in something that will help me in my job, or help me to get a better job. I've thought about a degree in Diplomacy or International Relations. Am I the only one who feels this way? Things are good here, don't get me wrong, but would things be any better anywhere else? And part of me feels like moving would be running away from what I don't like about my life here. Which wouldn't solve anything.
I wish there was a crystal ball I could look into and see if I am on the right path, see how things are going to work out. Some people like the mystery that life has to offer, me not so much. I want to know if I'll ever get married, or have children, will my father ever get to hold his first grandchild? Will he walk me down the aisle? Am I meant to continue working for the government, or am I supposed to go back to teaching? Do I stay here, or do I move? So many questions, and no answers. I realize that only time will tell what will happen in my life. And then I think about how things could be different. What if I had met Will at a different time in each of our lives, if we had both been single? Would we have ended up together? Or have things worked out exactly how they are supposed to? Will TSO and I ever go out, or is this as much as we'll ever have? So many questions...and I continue to wonder, is the grass any greener anywhere else than where I'm standing?

Trip to see the Parents...

So, I've returned from visiting my parents for the weekend. It's usually a pretty stressful experience. They are wonderful people, but we drive each other nuts and usually end up arguing the whole time. This time was different for whatever reason. It was nice. There were a few things that worried me, but hopefully I'm overreacting... Mom took Dad and I out to dinner for our birthdays. His is today, and mine is in two weeks. There was some weirdness though, Mom was showing me where all the "important documents" were in the house so I would be able to find them "when the time comes" (her words not mine). I guess they are in the process of updating their wills and listing me as having power of attorney and whatnot. Since I'm their only child, it doesn't surprise me, but who wants to think about that? I guess I'm lucky that they are making these kind of decisions now so that I don't need to make them later. But still, thinking about the mortality of your parents is not such fun. With any luck, the next time I go down there (Christmas time) we won't need to discuss this again... I realize that this is a part of getting older and being a grown-up but it wasn't fun. Thank God they are both very healthy active individuals and, God willing, will be for a very long time.
It was at least a lovely weekend to drive back and forth from their house. And it was actually sunny where they live!!! I was so excited, and actually couldn't remember the last time it was sunny here. Gotta love it, at least it's not raining.
I wasn't going to write about what really worried me while I was there, but what the heck. My Dad is a wonderful man, I love him dearly, but he's an alcoholic. Growing up with him wasn't horrendous, but it wasn't all roses either. As I got older, it got progressively worse. About 10 years ago, when my grandfather died (my Mom's dad) things came to a head, and Dad and I stopped speaking, because of his drinking, for almost a year. Shortly after that, he quit drinking. It was the first time I actually got to know my father. It's been great. He's really quite funny and fun to be around. However, he has started drinking again. I guess it's only red wine that he drinks, and is only 1 to 2 glasses a day, but still, it's drinking. And last night at dinner it was 4 glasses, not one or two(two at home, and two at the restaurant). I'm just worried that this is a slippery slope that he could be headed back down again.
Anyway, in completely unrelated work news, Will and I were talking on Friday night. (Big surprise, I know) But whatever the conversation was about, he said that he thought that I was sweet sometimes. I was blown away by that, and I'm not really sure why. I guess I don't really often think of myself as sweet, and really never thought he saw me that way. And the more I think about it, I can't remember being called sweet for a really long time. It made me smile. He makes me feel good about myself, I guess I couldn't ask for more in a friend...
Marsh, be sure to read the comments associated with the previous post! (My Attitude Adjustment)

My Attitude Adjustment

I wrote yesterday about having such a bad day. Truth be told I was feeling rather sorry for myself, which is not a feeling that I enjoy. Several things happened to change my attitude. First of all, I read some other blogs...Marshmallow26 wrote so beautifully about her mother and how she misses her so much. I've never met this woman, and all I wanted to do was hug her. Neurotic Iraqi Wife wrote about living in the GZ in Iraq and the most recent rocket attacks there. As I was reading, I realized that I HAVE NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT! I'm so grateful to these two women for helping me realize how incredibly blessed my life is. So that's the first thing that happened.
When I saw TSO last night, he was walking away from his desk as I was headed by. He actually stopped and turned around and told me to wait instead of walking by. Before I said anything, he looked at me and asked me if I was having a bad day. I asked if it was that obvious, and he said that he's just really good at reading people, and that he found me really easy to read. He asked if my bad day was related to an ex (Marsh, of course you can ask, I don't mind at all, he was an ex boyfriend. We were together for 6 years, and had lived together for 4, always with the intention of getting married. He talked about our wedding all the time, but never proposed. When I realized that this was how it would always be, I got tired of waiting and ended the relationship. It was painful, but truly for the best witnessed by the fact that everyone has said that I'm happier--Will says I'm nicer-- now). I said that it was, and point blank he asked me if I was still in love with this person. The question surprised me, but without even having to think, I knew the answer, and shared it with him. And the answer was no. I'm not in love with this man anymore at all, in fact, the more I think about it, I fell out of love a long time ago. He smiled slightly when I answered so quickly.
Later in the evening, one of the Ladies and I were talking about the day, and she said that she's been noticing TSO and I and how he looks at me when we're together, and she thinks that he likes me. Only time will tell, I guess...He did tell me more about himself as well, he told me that he had been married when he was younger, 23. I guess it only lasted 2 years, and they were divorced in 1995. He told me he hasn't dated seriously since then. I'm not sure what to make of that, but there you have it.

Seeing the Ex

Okay, so today was not the best of days. Although it wasn't the worst either. I don't know, it was a day. This morning I went to storage to pick up a few things, and leave a few things, and a few of the things I wanted weren't there, although they should have been. So I went to see the ex to see if he knew where they were. I probably shouldn't have but, whatever, what is done is done. Our conversation was fine. I think what frustrates me most about when I see him is the fact that I lose the power to ask him what the heck his problem is. So we never discuss what we need to most. And yes I realize that it's my own fault, but his answers of 'I don't know' or 'nothing' don't help any.
In work related news, they have issued our new evaluations for the next year, and they have increased the amount of work we need to do at each level. I still exceed those numbers, so it really doesn't bother me in the least, but you wouldn't believe the number of people who are cranky about it. It continually amazes me, and I really think that the people who complain the most have never really had a truly bad job. This job isn't bad at all, in fact, we get paid really well, and it's not a remotely stressful job. Still, people complain as if they are being forced to work here against their will. I continually say if you hate it and complain that much, just quit. Nobody is holding a gun to your head forcing you to work here.
TSO and I had a great conversation last night, but things still don't seem to be going anywhere. Preschool Queen thinks that this must be the case because he and I aren't meant to get together. I just don't know anymore, but I hope she's wrong.