Trust in Relationships

So, one thing I have learned about myself is that when I'm in a relationship, I'm terrified of being hurt. I tend to doubt my partner's feelings for me. For whatever reason, I don't think that I deserve to have someone feel so strongly about me. For the first time, I've learned that the doubt that I feel causes the other person pain as well. And I've been working really hard to stop that doubting. Especially when friends can see it. And what's crazy is that on a conscious level, I know that those feelings are true. I can see them. Along with the fear of being hurt, comes the desire to run before I am hurt. My thought process tends to be that if I push that person away first, then I won't get hurt (although this act in itself tears my heart out). I'm not sure why I do this, there's no huge trauma in my childhood. This is something that I've always done in relationships; all the way back as far as high school when I started dating. I always thought that by keeping people at an arm's length, I could save myself from being hurt. Of course that never worked, but unfortunately old habits die hard. And so now I'm learning how to stay and not push people away. It's sometimes scary, because the potential for hurt is there, but it's also quite liberating, knowing that I'm loved.