Diagnosis and the renewing vows

This has really been quite the week. I haven't been feeling very well; and decided it was time to actually listen to my body and go see a doctor. I have to say, I am thrilled with my new doctor. She took me seriously, and listened to my concerns and was able to name what is wrong. I guess there is a certain sense of relief knowing that there is a name for this. Somehow things are a little less scary when they can be named. When I described my symptoms, she was very quickly able to diagnose it as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). The name is kind of misleading because really the issue is with my endocrine system. It's a hormone imbalance which leads to problems with the ovaries releasing eggs.
Many women who have this condition (which is actually quite a lot, some numbers suggest as many as 1 in 10) have a very hard time conceiving because of the lack of ovulation. The other problem comes in that once conception occurs, women with PCOS frequently miscarry. The good news is I'm not in a place in my life for having children yet; and at least I already know that this will be an issue when I am, and I can plan accordingly. Whether it be working very closely with a doctor, or choosing another option, such as surrogacy or adoption. I know myself well enough to know that I couldn't handle having more than one miscarriage. It would destroy me to repeatedly go through that, and I don't really see the point when there are so many other viable options out there. There are so many children in the world who need a mommy and daddy to love them already. Now, I know that there are some women who HAVE to have their own baby. I really don't think I'm one of those women. Family is not just about blood relations to me. Family are the people you choose to have in your life. Preschool Queen is not my biological sister, but she IS my sister, just as Lead Momma is. And Captain Contrary may not really be my nephew (again biologically) but I'd argue with anyone who said he wasn't my nephew. I have claimed him as mine, and that's just how it is. And he feels the same way, he'll tell anyone who asks that I'm his Aunt, even though he knows I'm not a blood relative. Preschool Queen thinks that having this larger view of what "family" is will make it easier for me to adopt if that's the choice I make.
All that being said, am I scared? Of course. Am I sad? Sure. Am I a little angry? Not yet, but I'm sure I'll get there shortly. However, I'm not dying and this can be as big or small an issue as I make it. It is a part of me, I'll own it as such; but it won't destroy me or rule my life.
Preschool Queen and I went to New Hampshire yesterday to meet my parents. So I talked to Mom about all of this for a little bit. Usually PCOS is hereditary. It doesn't seem to be the case here. Anyway on our way down, about 10 minutes before we met Mom and Dad, Preschool Queen started talking about the fact that she and Homer were going to renew their vows for their 10 anniversary (which is in May). She told me that the Ex would be there. I told her I expected as much, since he is one of Homer's best friends. And then she dropped the bomb on me. She told me that he has a new girlfriend. I was speechless. I always had hoped that I would be the one to move on first. And the grown up side of me is glad that he's found someone and is happy (she said he really did seem happy) after all I am the one that ultimately ended the relationship, but there's the other side of me that feels like a real loser for being single still; and not having anyone else. Of course I'll be at the vow renewal ceremony and party, but it'll really suck to be there and be single (I think I'm the only single friend that they have.)
And then I get over myself and realize how much I really do have going for me. I am a very successful woman, I have the resources to travel when I want to, I have amazing friends, and I'm pretty happy with my life right now. I'm starting to seriously think about grad school; and other career options, and really, what's the worst that will happen, I'll be alone at this ceremony and party. Big deal, I'm pretty sure that won't kill me. And besides if the new medications work the way they are supposed to, I will have lost weight by then. Preschool Queen says the best thing in the world is to be living well (looking great doesn't hurt either...)

Trust in Relationships

So, one thing I have learned about myself is that when I'm in a relationship, I'm terrified of being hurt. I tend to doubt my partner's feelings for me. For whatever reason, I don't think that I deserve to have someone feel so strongly about me. For the first time, I've learned that the doubt that I feel causes the other person pain as well. And I've been working really hard to stop that doubting. Especially when friends can see it. And what's crazy is that on a conscious level, I know that those feelings are true. I can see them. Along with the fear of being hurt, comes the desire to run before I am hurt. My thought process tends to be that if I push that person away first, then I won't get hurt (although this act in itself tears my heart out). I'm not sure why I do this, there's no huge trauma in my childhood. This is something that I've always done in relationships; all the way back as far as high school when I started dating. I always thought that by keeping people at an arm's length, I could save myself from being hurt. Of course that never worked, but unfortunately old habits die hard. And so now I'm learning how to stay and not push people away. It's sometimes scary, because the potential for hurt is there, but it's also quite liberating, knowing that I'm loved.

Will is not delusional

Okay, so I have to publicly admit that I WAS WRONG. The football game between the Patriots and the Colts went horribly, horribly wrong. And the Colts are going to the Superbowl. I'm still stunned about the game. The Patriots were great in the first half of the game, and then it was as if during halftime they decided that the game was over. Manning and the Colts were amazing. They truly deserved to win and deserve the trip to Miami.
And Will was not the least bit delusional. He was right and I was wrong. I have to say, though, even with all the trash talking that he did this past week, he is a very gracious winner. There has been no gloating at all.
So, that's been the end of my weekend. Hopefully the week will improve!

Football Playoffs and the Weather

Will, in his delusion, has yet again bet against the Patriots. The game is later today. Hopefully it'll be a good game. I'm sure that they will win. The loser buys breakfast next weekend. We've both been talking trash about this game all week. Someday maybe he'll learn not to bet against them in the post-season! Really, this is the best way to spend a weekend, relaxing on the sofa watching football.
Since I've been complaining about the weather lately, it's now finally winter. There's snow on the ground; although certainly not as much snow as the residents of Colorado have gotten. And we have some ice; again not as much as Missouri received. But it has been cold and windy. Will and I walk each night at work, at 1:30 and then again close to 4; we usually go outside regardless of the weather. More or less just to get fresh air, but also to be able to talk without being overheard. And last week there was actually one night we didn't go outside because it was so cold and windy. I've come to realize that no matter what the weather is, I may not be happy with it. And I think that's alright. The bitter cold of the winter makes me appreciate the heat of the summer. And the mind-numbing humidity makes me happy when there's finally a cool crisp edge to the air in the fall. And the unrelenting mud makes me really happy when the ground is frozen solid. For me, all of this combined is the beauty of Northern New England.

One of my Favorite People

So, I really think that Dr Spaz is one of my favorite people in the world. I haven't really written much about him, and I thought I would here. As a refresher, he's married to Lead Momma. He is brilliant. A lot of people I know are smart, but really, Dr Spaz is in a completely different field. He is truly brilliant. I've met a few people as smart as he is, and usually they are pretty pretentious. You couldn't meet a more unpretentious person. He is so down to earth and easy to talk to. One of the things that some people may find startling is that he has no filter. You're probably going, 'what is she talking about?' I mean that if he's thinking it, he'll say it. A lot of us think things, but our filters stop us from saying them. Not Dr Spaz, he'll say whatever is on his mind. I find it refreshing and quite often very funny. Often he'll say the things that everyone else is thinking, but not wanting to say. I'll give you an example. I was talking to Lead Momma last night, and he got on the phone and out of the blue asked me, 'So, are you having sex?' I just laughed and told him no. And then in the next breath he was talking about the TV show Battlestar Galactica. Now most people would find questions like that pretty offensive. Knowing him as I do, I just smile and shake my head. And even though they moved away years ago now, I still miss hanging out with them on a regular basis. My life is better for knowing the two of them!
In a completely unrelated note, winter is finally here. It's 6 degrees as I write this, and there's finally snow, mind you it's buried under a thick layer of ice, but there's the snow I've been waiting for!

Totally Random Thoughts

One of the women I work with is slightly technologically challenged. Now I'm not saying that I'm a technology wiz, but she really takes the cake. She's an late middle-aged woman, she's one of the women I'm going on the cruise with. She's kind of like the slightly crazy aunt in the family (you know who I'm talking about, everyone has or knows someone like this woman). Anyway she got an iPod for Christmas. She brought it to work with her last night; and watching her with it was just hysterical. I laughed all night long. For example she would turn it on and instead of putting the earphones in her ears she would hold it up to her ear (like you would with an old portable radio). It just absolutely cracked me up. My favorite thing about this woman is the fact that she can laugh at herself in these situations as well. My bigger point is about individuals and technology. While she's not totally computer savvy, she tries and learns along the way. There are so many people (another friend of mine, for example) who won't even try. Her husband has a computer with internet access, and she refuses to learn how to use it...although she continually talks about wanting to learn, when he offers she freaks out. I just don't understand. This is my primary mode of communication with my friends and colleagues. It has made life so much easier, what with working different shifts from the rest of the 'normal' world. And any info you could ever possibly want (and even tons you don't want) is right at your fingertips.
My favorite football team (the Patriots) won on Sunday afternoon! Not that it was a very big surprise, they are an incredibly strong team, especially during the playoffs. Anyway, my point is that Will and I had a made a bet on the outcome of the game; and I won (he doesn't seem to understand that you never bet against the Patriots in January...) His favorite team (the Eagles) won on Sunday as well; so he can't have too much to complain about... I love this time of year! And after the Superbowl, only 2 weeks to the Daytona 500!!

Bed skirts are such a pain...

Here's my new bed set. It makes me happy. Just a little tip from me to you: don't try putting a bed skirt on the bed by yourself. It's one of the most frustrating things I've ever tried doing! At least it's done; and now the first thing you see when you walk in the room is NOT all the stuff under my bed. Oh to have more than one closet...

Rainy Saturdays in January

So, here's the current view out my living room window. I just can't believe it's so warm and rainy in January. If only all this rain was snow! It would be so pretty...hopefully I'll be able to add a picture like that soon!

The Week in Review

Lead Momma just shared the coolest website with me; and I just had to share it here...it's www.librarything.com . It's wild! You can list all the books you have in your personal library. It's connected to amazon and the Library of Congress. Once you list the books you can tag them and then get suggestions as to other books you may like. You can also get connected with other users who have the same books in their libraries. It's easy and pretty quick to set up. As you can tell, I'm a pretty big reader. And I'm always on the lookout for a new book. I just finished a great book, called The Last Templar. Will let me borrow it, and when I returned it less than a week later, he was pretty surprised. When I get my hands on a good book, I can't put it down until I'm done with it.
This week has been so incredibly busy. I didn't get home any day until 11 or later. It was so nice to just be able to go home this morning and relax. That's what this weekend is all about, relaxing. I have made no plans with anyone. It's rainy here, and I have a stack of movies to watch. I plan on scrapbooking and working on the first assignment for my class. And that's it. I'm so looking forward to it. And the rain is something I'm going to complain about for a minute here. It's January in Northern Vermont. It should be cold. I mean really cold. The kind of weather where your nose hair freezes. And it's not. It's almost 60 degrees. My windows are open, my heat is off and I'm wearing a t-shirt. This is seriously wrong. Now, I don't love the painful cold, but personally I'd prefer cold and snowy to the rain with everything being brown and dead.
I bought a new comforter set for my bed this week, so I'm off to put it on, finally I have a bed skirt to hide what's under the bed. And a really cool new comforter and pillow shams. I thought it was time for a fresh start there. Once it's all done, maybe I'll take a picture of it and post it.
Marsh, so glad you liked the London pictures. As far as one of myself; I'm not thrilled with the idea of putting one on the blog, but I'd email one to you if you wanted.

London Eye

In the foreground of this photo is the London Eye. And in the background is Big Ben. Personally, I think the Eye is an eyesore on the riverfront. But I do like the juxtaposition of old and new in this photo.

More London Photos

So, here are some more photos of my London Adventure. I want to note the blue sky in the background behind the Union Jack...thus dispelling the myth that it's always rainy in London. The next picture is of one of the MANY cameras in the city. Londoners are photographed constantly, on the streets, in the subways, everywhere. And of course the next three are typical things you think about when thinking London, the cabs, the double-decker buses and the phone booths. I was actually surprised to see the last two. I was under the impression that London was thinking about getting rid of the double-decker buses after the bombing, and I'm glad that they decided against that; and also the phone booths. You just don't see them very often in the States anymore, and I was amazed at how many of them are around still. Provided most are Internet capable phones now (and I did see on several occasions people in them using their cell phones).

Parliment taken from London Bridge. I really think that this building is just beautiful.

My Favorite London Photo

I can't believe it's taken me so long to do this. Ever so very sorry. This is probably my favorite photo from London. This is the Underground station at Notting Hill Gate. I think it's just beautiful. I'll post more soon!

I wanted to post some New Year's Eve photos, but the lampshade never quite made it on my head...Homer did some really beautiful dancing to Fergilicious. It was just hysterical. It was a fun but low-key night, just the core group of friends. And I'm glad I went instead of staying home, which I was really feeling like doing. We stayed up to late, and drank too much, but it was fun! Hope everyone had a fun and safe New Year's Eve!

Sarcasm doesn't translate well in print

It's New Year's Eve...yippee. (Unfortunately, sarcasm is so hard to convey in writing, but if I were speaking, that would have been my sarcastic voice) Preschool Queen and Homer are having their annual New Year's Eve party in a few hours, and I can't even get excited enough to want to go. Hopefully I'll feel differently once I'm there. Sometimes I really just get stuck in my own head and tend to be a homebody... and that's how I'm feeling tonight.
I'm very excited that Marsh has offered to help me with my Arabic. I'm sure as soon as I get the program I'll be taking her up on the offer...Thank you Marsh (I hope you don't regret making the offer...)
Sitting here watching football right now. I slept through the Patriots game, but they won. The game didn't really matter because they clinched their playoff berth last week, but it's always nice when they win. Will can't understand why I love watching them so much. He says they are a boring team to watch. I have to agree. The wins are never pretty, but they win when it matters. It seems like that's what they are good at, and yes, some of the games can be pretty boring, but they're my team...So since I missed that game, I'm watching the Falcons play the Eagles. I can't wait for the playoffs to start--it's my favorite part of the season. I can't believe I've just been babbling about football, I think that's the first time I've rambled about sports. And yes, it is my idea of a perfect Sunday, sitting on the couch watching football all afternoon. I'll watch alone, but it really is something that I love doing with someone else. It's what I've done on Sunday for as long as I can remember, when I was little, I used to fall asleep on the couch with my Dad when he was watching.
Well, I should get motivated and put together the Artichoke Dip that I'm bringing and make sure the champagne is cold enough and get moving. Hope every one's New Years is wonderful. Be safe and sensible as well.

The Saga of the Rogue Wave...

Will has been taking great pleasure lately in teasing me relentlessly about my upcoming cruise. He keeps telling me that there is going to be a rogue wave to capsize the ship. And every once in a while he'll walk over with at photo or an article he's found about cruise ships and big waves. I think he does it just because he knows that it will rile me up, and I know he thinks getting me all riled is very funny. In fact, last night he was just hysterically laughing at me as I was getting more and more frustrated with it. In all honesty, it makes me laugh as well. I realize that he's just teasing and means nothing by it. The night before I left for London, he was trying to get me to sign a shift swap form (I have weekends off, he doesn't) "just in case anything happens." It really cracked me up...after I was done being mad. Somehow I always manage to make Will laugh, and I just love that. All of my friends outside of work are so funny, that I'm not considered 'the funny one'. So sometimes I forget that I am pretty funny. He reminds me of that. And I have to say that it's one of my favorite things, being able to make someone else laugh. I just love the sound of laughter.
And although I usually have weekends off, this is not to be one of those nights. One of my supervisors, was wheeling and dealing with me before we left this morning, trying to convince me to come in tonight. Well, he succeeded. He offered to change my days off, so that I work tonight, but have Monday night off. And since it's the holiday weekend, I thought that would be nice. That way if I drink a little too much on Sunday night , it is New Year's Eve after all, I don't have to worry about having to go to work. It's to the benefit of work as well, because we were going to be really short-staffed tonight, and over-staffed on Monday, so it balances things out just a bit. And it's a snowy, sloppy morning, so I don't mind going to sleep.
I'm starting a scrapbooking class online with Lead Momma. It's been so long since she and I were in any classes together. It should be a lot of fun. I think it's going to concentrate on a specific philosophy of scrapbooking and getting organized so that photos can quickly get into books rather than sit on shelves. I think it'll be really good. Sometimes I get too focused on the chronological scrapbook; and those can get pretty boring. Anyway, I'll update how it's going once it starts. I have really been missing taking classes and going to school. As soon as my BA is paid off, I'll get my Masters. I wish I could start sooner, but I'm trying to be realistic as far as the finances go. I found a great program online that I think would be great. It's a program in Diplomacy from Norwich University. So, maybe that will be in my future; but then again, who knows. If asked 3 years ago what things would look like now, this is not how I ever would have answered. I did ask my parents for a language program for Christmas and I know that they ordered it for me. I looked into all the different ways to learn languages, and Rosetta Stone was really the best option out there. So once I see my parents after they return from FL, I'll be on my way to learning Arabic. I'm excited but also quite nervous about it. Arabic is just so very different from English or Spanish (the other language that I've studied)...hopefully it'll work for me! Wish me luck!

Where I've Been

Okay, so I found this on another blog, and thought it was really cool, so I just had to add it to mine. As you can see, I've only been to 1% of the world, I have a lot of places to head to and as I travel, I thought I'd add to it. There are less than 90 days until the cruise, I'll be sipping frozen drinks and enjoying the warm sunshine before long! Can't wait!

Things are Good

I realize that I haven't posted much recently, no excuse, just an explanation...There is a lot on my plate right now that I would like to write about, but won't and so it sometimes makes posting harder.
Christmas was great, I spent it with Homer and Preschool Queen and of course Captain Contrary. He was so much fun to watch open all his presents. He was just tearing through everything until he got to the book that I wrote of the adventures that Tank and I had while we were in London, when he handed it to me and said 'read it'. So we sat and read the whole thing. He loved it, especially the photo of the guard at the British Museum throwing him out. After we were finished opening presents, we had breakfast, and then I had to head home so I could sleep before work.
Work was actually nice on Monday night. It was so slow that we were all able to enjoy the meal that we had made. It was fun. And of course there were way too many left overs--isn't that always the way?
My parents are currently in Florida for a family wedding. My cousin is getting married on Saturday, and most of the family is there. It should be fun for everyone. I'm still just not into going to weddings yet. I realize it's a family thing, and that I should be there, but I know myself well enough to know that I won't enjoy myself; and let's face it, at a wedding people should be happy.
I really can't believe this year is almost over. I know people say it all the time, but this year has gone by so very quickly. So much has happened, it almost seems impossible that it has only been 12 months. My life is so drastically different than it was just a year ago; but at the same time, it's better as well. I'm truly happy (and I have to say, I never thought I'd feel that way).
Things are good.

Christmas Baking

So I was right, there was not much sleep to be had yesterday. I tried to get into bed as soon as I got home so I could get some sleep before going to get Captain Contrary. Because that's not what my body is used to, it didn't work. I finally quit fighting it, and got up around 10:30 and did a few things here before picking him up at school. Now, who remembers what the last day of school before Christmas vacation is like? Yup, he was wound up on sugar like you wouldn't believe. Preschool Queen thought she'd be able to pick him up around 2:30 knowing that I needed sleep for work. Unfortunately, she was unable to get away until 5. I needed to be up at 7 so I could meet Will before work. So it was an insanely small amount of sleep. I'm not sure how some people function on that little sleep. And the crazy part is that now that I'm at home, I'm not remotely tired. Go figure.
I'm trying to finish up my Christmas baking right now. I've finished the coconut indulgences, and raspberry almond bars, and I have the first batch of lemon fig cakes are in the oven. All that's left are oatmeal chocolate chip cranberry cookies. Those I'll do tomorrow. I was supposed to drive down to see the 'rents, but the weather is supposed to be suspect at best (freezing rain/sleet) so we'll get together some other time in January. So I now have an extra day to do what I need to. Which also gives me time to work on the scrapbook for Captain Contrary.

Ramblings

I think, looking back, one of the things I treasure most about my trip was the silence. Because I was alone I had a lot of time to reflect on the amazing places I was visiting. I think I was able to absorb many more of the details because of that. It also afforded me the luxury of not being labeled 'the ugly American'.
I can say that I'm in a better space mentally and emotionally. I feel much more at peace and a sense of self-confidence that had been missing for so long. I'm quite proud of the fact that I did this alone, and can't wait until the next solo trip I take!
In the details of daily life, Preschool Queen and I hung out on Saturday. We really had a great time. She surprised me by telling me how much she missed me while I was gone. I'm not really sure why this surprised me, but I don't think she's ever put it so profusly before. Anyway, we went shopping and the goal was to finish my Christmas list...What is that saying about the best laid plans? It was certainly a successful shopping day, but I didn't cross a thing off my list. Oh well, the Internet is a beautiful thing. I'm just about done with the exception of baking, which I'll be doing throughout the week. Time to battle the oven again. And I'm just waiting for the post office to open so I can mail the few presents out to my out of town friends.
And hopefully my photos from London will arrive today so I can get started on the book for Captain Contrary. I can't believe how much I missed him while I was gone! I'm actually babysitting him on Thursday afternoon. His school has a half day and Preschool Queen asked me if I could hang out with him. It should be lots of fun. I think I'll try to come up with some sort of project for him to do to give to his mom and dad for Christmas (can you tell I used to be a teacher?) So, there won't be much sleeping on Thursday...oh well!

Reflections on London

This holiday to London did precisely what I wanted it to do. My self confidence has risen more than I thought possible. I feel so much better in my skin. I don't know if that makes any sense; but that's how I feel. Not having anyone to rely on was the most liberating experience. Knowing that I had to make all the decisions was great. I now know that I can do anything. And my fear of flying has gone as well (good thing what with the 7.5 hour flights from Heathrow to JFK.) I'm really looking forward to the next time I fly. Which is in less than 100 days when we catch a flight to Ft Lauderdale to board the cruise ship. That should be the relaxing holiday I need. The trip to London was phenomenal, but could never be referred to as relaxing.
And Christmas is almost upon us. I can't believe that it's in one week. I don't know if that's from being away at the beginning of the month, or if it has something to do with the weather. It has been abnormally warm here. Lead Momma said the same thing, she said it was 70 degrees on Saturday! Now it certainly wasn't that warm here, but mid-forties is not typical. I'd really rather like some snow for Christmas. Will has been complaining about the same thing.
So there seems to be that crazy rush that leads up to Christmas. I hate to say it, but I'm just not in the mood this year. I don't know what it is, but I just can't seem to get interested in it. I'm hoping that this will get better.